Feeling the squeeze

Today is a gorgeous mild and sunny day in the middle of winter in Buffalo. A blessed gift to say the least. Passing by the car wash, I had the urge to wash the dirt salt and grime off my car, so I made a quick lane change and pulled into the Delta Sonic. Once inside the wash, I felt scared and claustrophobic - I felt my chest tighten and my breathing get quick, like the world crushing down on me. I reminded myself not to give in to the feeling of contraction by tightening up but to respond to it with space - acceptance, deeper breathing, expanding. When I gave in to the feeling, it passes. When I drop the need to change the situation or how I feel, the "problem" evaporates.

Today I was talking with my spiritual sister about life and how it can feel so crushing at times. Much like I felt in that car wash - an unexpected car repair (new tires-so soon?!), relationship stress, no clear direction in life all can feel like a pounding, like life keeps coming at you. She asked me if it ever ends. I laughed and said "no." There will never not be something to pay for or something to fix; never a time of no new or unexpected need. Things do not last. Everything cycles, degrades and/or changes, such is the nature of life on earth. The source of stress and anxiety isn't that things break and that people don't behave the way you want them to. The source is our expectation that our boat should not be rocked. Once you accept that you are alive and at sea, the waves are expected, even anticipated and maybe even enjoyed. Life is a bumpy ride, folks - seatbelts, helmets and/or surf boards are optional.

I recently bought a house - a process that I found extremely stressful yet revealing and profoundly life altering in so many ways. This time of pressure showed me my falsehoods and forced me to ask for help and to rely on others. It opened my eyes to the fact that I expected people to fail me and that I operate from a basic assumption that it is better to rely on no one and do everything myself. Suddenly I found myself in a position where there were things that needed to get done that I could not do myself. Things that my lawyer or the seller or the bank needed to do. I found myself forced to trust others to take care of me and realized this was foreign ground. In the free fall of trusting without a net, I learned to let go of the fetal position and wait for the cushion to be there to break my fall. And it was.

My sister asked me why we go through these times. And I told her that what else would be the point? We must be placed in situations that squeeze the junk out of, that force us to question our unconscious beliefs, that make us see the truth, that make us speak the truth. We must drop the veil and see ourselves clearly. We must kindle a fire by any means to burn off the dross at any cost. Or we find ourselves in perpetual "Groundhog's Day" aka "same day, different $&@".

There is a Bible quote that I have often pondered on "it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God." I can make no claim to be a Bible scholar. I can only speak of my experiences and the understanding I believe I take from them. In the past I got hung up on this idea of what is being pointed to in "a rich man." Do you HAVE to be poor to meet God, I wondered. Now I believe the take away is you have to be willing to drop it all. So long as you cling to one thing, anything at all - whether it be money, a material possession, a person, relationship or specific point of view/belief - true freedom will elude you. When you hold nothing, everything is revealed. When you admit you you don't know the truth, you are the truth.

So smile when you feel like the camel, squeezing thru the eye of the needle or the car being pummeled with soap, foam and giant wash clothes. God is trying to show you what remains when the glass is washed clean. "For now we see through a glass darkly, but then face to face."

Om Namah Shivaya

All my love