Feeling the squeeze

Today is a gorgeous mild and sunny day in the middle of winter in Buffalo. A blessed gift to say the least. Passing by the car wash, I had the urge to wash the dirt salt and grime off my car, so I made a quick lane change and pulled into the Delta Sonic. Once inside the wash, I felt scared and claustrophobic - I felt my chest tighten and my breathing get quick, like the world crushing down on me. I reminded myself not to give in to the feeling of contraction by tightening up but to respond to it with space - acceptance, deeper breathing, expanding. When I gave in to the feeling, it passes. When I drop the need to change the situation or how I feel, the "problem" evaporates.

Today I was talking with my spiritual sister about life and how it can feel so crushing at times. Much like I felt in that car wash - an unexpected car repair (new tires-so soon?!), relationship stress, no clear direction in life all can feel like a pounding, like life keeps coming at you. She asked me if it ever ends. I laughed and said "no." There will never not be something to pay for or something to fix; never a time of no new or unexpected need. Things do not last. Everything cycles, degrades and/or changes, such is the nature of life on earth. The source of stress and anxiety isn't that things break and that people don't behave the way you want them to. The source is our expectation that our boat should not be rocked. Once you accept that you are alive and at sea, the waves are expected, even anticipated and maybe even enjoyed. Life is a bumpy ride, folks - seatbelts, helmets and/or surf boards are optional.

I recently bought a house - a process that I found extremely stressful yet revealing and profoundly life altering in so many ways. This time of pressure showed me my falsehoods and forced me to ask for help and to rely on others. It opened my eyes to the fact that I expected people to fail me and that I operate from a basic assumption that it is better to rely on no one and do everything myself. Suddenly I found myself in a position where there were things that needed to get done that I could not do myself. Things that my lawyer or the seller or the bank needed to do. I found myself forced to trust others to take care of me and realized this was foreign ground. In the free fall of trusting without a net, I learned to let go of the fetal position and wait for the cushion to be there to break my fall. And it was.

My sister asked me why we go through these times. And I told her that what else would be the point? We must be placed in situations that squeeze the junk out of, that force us to question our unconscious beliefs, that make us see the truth, that make us speak the truth. We must drop the veil and see ourselves clearly. We must kindle a fire by any means to burn off the dross at any cost. Or we find ourselves in perpetual "Groundhog's Day" aka "same day, different $&@".

There is a Bible quote that I have often pondered on "it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God." I can make no claim to be a Bible scholar. I can only speak of my experiences and the understanding I believe I take from them. In the past I got hung up on this idea of what is being pointed to in "a rich man." Do you HAVE to be poor to meet God, I wondered. Now I believe the take away is you have to be willing to drop it all. So long as you cling to one thing, anything at all - whether it be money, a material possession, a person, relationship or specific point of view/belief - true freedom will elude you. When you hold nothing, everything is revealed. When you admit you you don't know the truth, you are the truth.

So smile when you feel like the camel, squeezing thru the eye of the needle or the car being pummeled with soap, foam and giant wash clothes. God is trying to show you what remains when the glass is washed clean. "For now we see through a glass darkly, but then face to face."

Om Namah Shivaya

All my love

All the world's a stage...

“All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players: they have their exits and their entrances”

” …for there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.”~William Shakespeare

This morning while basking in that state of just waking, I thought, What a blessing to be alive and awake in a world that is alive and awake! I love when I am still enough to feel the aliveness of this world in the air…... I used to think that life was a story and that Jennifer was the main character and that everything that happened should benefit me in every way….oh what suffering that brought!

Now, I see that this world is alive and I am here to serve the play ~ Lila as the Hindu tradition calls it. I have no control over the play of life but I do have control over how I see my role, how I perform, over what attitude I bring to my role and over whether I am going to be on the “D list” or give an Oscar-worthy effort! Attitude is everything and the only thing in this world that I own completely. Thank you life for calling me to serve…Namaste.

Jeff Foster

Jesus said to them:
“When you make the two one,
And when you make the inside like the outside
And the outside like the inside,
Then will you enter the Kingdom.”

- Gospel of Thomas


From: Life Without a Centre

Rest. Rest. Rest in God's love. The only work you are required now to do is to give your most intense attention to His still, small voice within.


-Madame Jeanne Guyon

I am full of love tonight

Come look into my eyes, and let’s go off

Sailing, my dear, on a long ocean ride.

This world will not touch you,

I will keep you snug upon my seat.

Let’s plot

To make the moon jealous.

With a radiance leaping from your cheek.

I will be full of love tonight,

Come look into these ancient eyes!

And let’s go off sailing, my dear,

With our spirits intertwined.

Your body is just an old sandbar

In a speeding hourglass of time.

Love will turn the mouth of sorrow

Right side up.

Let your heart commence its destined

Laughing chime!

Hafiz will be brimful of love tonight,

Why ever be shy?

Come look into the playful eyes of my verse,

They are eternally branded,

Branded with

The Sun!”

~ Hafiz

Powerful Pointer

"What you are afraid of happening in the future is what you are living, in the present."
~ Stuart Schwartz

"What the caterpillar calls the end of the world the master calls a butterfly."
– Richard Bach